Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Torpedo Warning!

I had an MRI yesterday for my lower back. It will suffice to say that my back is a pain in the rear. More importantly, no one had ever previously or satisfactorily described the MRI experience for me. I arrived totally unprepared, a lamb to the slaughter, with A1 tied around my neck!

I followed the kind radiologist to a changing room, stripped, and donned a pair of blue pajamas.

Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) machines are gigantic steel doughnuts, through which you are threaded like the proverbial camel through the eye of a needle. Upon first encountering an MRI machine, you will size it up and say, sure . . . I'll stick my head into that . . . heck, I'll stick my head in anything once! (And frankly, I'm amazed that my genes are the ones that survived!).

But the catch is, that you cannot assess the MRI experience from outside the doughnut. In short, I now am convinced that I know what it is like to be burried alive in a microwave oven, with someone trying to rescue me with a buzzsaw and a cowbell. This, ladies and gentlemen is what needs to be said, before you go gently into that good-doughnut hole with nothing more than a pair of used blue pajamas to defend yourself.

(No! No! Fight the dying of the light!!!!)

Why they put me in the machine head first, when they had to do my lower back, is a mystery. But let's face it, bored MRI technicians have probably wagered on who in the lobby will be the first to break. Speaking of which, I must proceed . . .

I'm not usually clausterphobic, but it was tight. My elbows could not rest at my side, so I had to recline, Dracula-style, in the tube ... only to be further tested with easy listening music (Don't You Want Me Baby and Give Me One Reason are two of the songs I remember playing).

"Mr. Weinbrenner, there will be some banging . . . and the table will get warm. But you will at first start out very cold, as we blow fresh air over you during the process."

I tried to look tough, and relaxed, as she cranked me back into the nether regions of my doughnut hole. Whew, I thought. This *is* clausterphobic! You can do it, though. Focus and relax. You are one with the blowing air, like a butterfly soaring over-

"Thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack - Don't you want me Oh-o-o- thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack . . . . . Give me one reason to stay here . . . thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack . . ."

Were the songs really designed to be so ironic, or was I being tortured on a particularly lucky day?

I began to feel my flesh slowly burning. Ever so lightly. As though I was receiving a chemical peel while my head, in a bucket, was being struck by a cowbell.

Finally the machine stopped thwacking. Thank God, I thought.

"Okay Mr. Weinbrenner. The first set is done. Only fourteen more minutes to go. Click."

Ooooooo. Nooooooo. I thought. I'll talk. Really. I'll make crap up. Just let me out- - um, no. I have to do this. Relax. Breath. Be still. You are sailing over the windswept snows of --Jeez, it's cold in here!

Thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack . . .

Then again, I felt my flesh burning while being attacked with a cowbell. Lower this time. Ah, the burning flesh is showing signs of progress! Thank God my flesh is burning I thought, otherwise I would freeze to death.

Thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, thwack, Take My Breath Awayyyyy, Thwack, thwack, etc.

While listening to the radio headphones, during my burial-- Suddenly! . . . an Emergency Broadcast System buzzer pierced the tranquility of my cowbell massage. Ank! Ank! Ank! Eeeeeeeee .... The alert about sent me through the MRI tube!! Heaven only knows what shot out of my other end. The "tornado" warning should have been a "torpedo warning." (Yes, it's raining tense g*y guys on Lake County Florida. Take cover.) I was never so relieved to find out it was *only* a tornado, and not that the MRI had jammed with me inside!

Upon emerging from my waterboarding, I told the technician what happened during the MRI. She calmly replied, "Why the machine is the safest place in the world to be during a tornado."

Really!? Really!? Inside a giant electromagnet is the safest place? Did you never catch one episode of the Hulk in the 1970s?

On a beach in Hawaii sucking on a Mai Tai and reading the funnies, is the safest place to be during a tornado in Florida. How about that?!

In short, I don't care if you SCUBA dive, or if you sleep in a bunk bed. MRI machines are no place for sick people. And for no one else who has not had a full body greasing, before being inserted in their oil drum.

Call me Vlad the impaler from now on. I eat MRI for breakfast! But lordy, check the weather forecast before you get inside!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Chicago Is My Kinda Town




CHICAGO!
Ma Peeps in Homotude! What it iz. I've just spent four days in Chicago, and I'm in love.
I had no idea what to expect prior to arrival. Chicago's portrayal in mass media is always focused on the detail, and not the whole. When you finally find yourself standing in Millenia Park, or along the Lake Michigan shoreline . . . you are amazed that no one ever effectively explained the skyline, the sense of space, the cleanliness and order of such a large city, the sounds of the El(evated Train Line), nor the flawless presentation of public art, museums, and superlative culinary standards. Chicago is the simply the most successful large city in the United States.
These amazing restaurants can be recommended without hesitation:
A+

Bistro Zinc (french) - Between Division and Chicago on State. A truly french design, with a super-efficient hispanic staff.

Topolobampo - Frontera Grill (Nouvelle Mexican) - Trendy haute cuisine crafted from native Mexican ingredients. Food as art is the aesthetic. Creative, original, winning. Best waitress in Chicago: Jessica.

Zealous - (American Fusion) Smidgeon pretentious, but with the wine list to back up the boasting. Very very good.

The Gage - (Rustic American) - American sports bar at the foot of Millenia Parks Cloud Gate. But the food is more thoughtful and crafted than the genre would require. Butternut squash soup was to die for, and the desserts were amazingly original.

The Bongo Room - (Dessert for Breakfast) - Forget a lite breakfast. Have a cake for breakfast - in the shape of a pancake. The best dish looked to be the vegetarian croissant sandwich. Mmmm.
The Feast - (Sports Bar) - Chicago

The Blue Line - (Damen Station Trendy Diner)

B+

Ginos' East Deep Dish Pizza. Wasn't worth the wait, but was okay.

Hancock Signature Lounge and Restaurant. The best view in the city, is overwhelmed with visitors, and so does not have to excel in service apparently. Don't be discouraged however, and bring your camera.

One other important note: Always buy a multi-day CTA Card from CVS or Walgreens before you head out. The El conveniently goes anywhere you need to go, for an unbeatable price. Mass transport is a hallmark of Chicago, and if you hide in a taxi, you will never understand the mind of the city.

Other hallmarks of Chicago:

  • Great Art
  • Great Architecture
  • Truly Great Food
  • Best urban planning and public space allocations in the United States.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Poetry Garden


Well, I see that the weekend of March 14, 2009 in Orlando, Florida, the Red Chair Project has offered three key sources of entertainment:
1) Young Frankenstein
2) Friday the 13th Torture Show at SAK
3) Poetry Garden at Leu Gardens
(featuring yours truly)
What do these three events have in common? Let's investigate:
Young Frankenstein is a comic retelling of the Frankenstein legend, where a mutilated monster is reassembled from the fruits of grave-robbing.
Friday the 13th Torture Show, pretty much speaks for itself.
And finally, there would be me . . . butchering the English language, just for its own gratuitous pleasure.
Yes, this weekend it's definitely murder and mayhem for the Orlando arts scene.
Hmm. What shall I tell you, my pretties, about the poetry garden?
The Poetry Garden exhibit is a prototype event. The idea is to situate poetry unexpectedly in the outdoors, to enhance the garden experience of Leu Garden patrons (especially at the end of winter when much of the garden is still dormant). Still the weather is wonderful now - cool and sunny, and there are only a few times a year that it is this pleasurable to wander in the out-of-doors in Orlando. If the Poetry Garden goes well, I will advocate the expansion of this program with Leu Gardens (perhaps having an open invitational poetry contest, or funding regular poetry retrospectives in the garden). Benefits are two-fold: the profile of local literature is raised in the community, and Leu Gardens burgeons its efforts to be a focal point for the arts in Orange County.
As for me, I hope that one or two people will learn of my efforts. Now I close with a sample from the garden:

Axiom

The standing droplets
on the velveteen petals
of rose hibiscus

wholly justify
the creation of morning.

Follow-up: During the event, some lovely person landscaped my poems with picked flowers! My heart rejoiced in the dialogue between my words and the garden. (Picture attached)

Friday, January 9, 2009

2008 in Review! The annual Christmas Letter

Well, this letter is for the dedicated Christmas card reader, who has hung in there for the last twelve years. Only you dear reader, will discover this very late comical year in reveiw. But here's the beginning:
2008 started with the Las Vegas “Disney Girls” reunion. It was great to catch up with my friends, some of whom I had not seen in several years.
We will have to change our group name though, as only two of us still work at Disney, and most of us are not girls (Unless by GIRLS we mean “Guys In Ridiculously Luxurious Style” – Am I selling it? Probably not. Sigh.).
The highlight of my Las Vegas trip was the amazing water circus “La Reve” (The Dream) at the Wynn resort. I found this name a bit ironic, as “The Dream” is performed around a swimming pool, making it –kmmm-kmmm- “wet.” C’mon people, do I need to draw you a diagram?!! This is funny!!!!
I’ve been petitioning for them to add more audience participation. But the restraining orders say that I’m not allowed to jump in the pool anymore. When will they appreciate my art?!! Back to Florida, I went.
On January 25th while at work, I received a phone call . . . from my home telephone. That’s strange, I thought. How can I be calling me, when I’m right here? I considered not answering, but it occurred to me that it might be my Mom making an impromptu house call. (She plays this game called, “Can you guess what I’m doing at your house right now.” The correct answer is: “Whatever you want, because I was a breach birth.”)
When I answered, it was the Orange County Sherriff’s department. They informed me that they had just apprehended three juvenile delinquents burglarizing my house. They asked me to verify that the youths, who’d kicked in a gate and shattered a window to enter, were not invited guests (as they claimed). I want to ensure everyone reading this letter, that when you visit my house, the first privilege I grant guests is the use of my front door – you will not have to break out a window to get inside. Pesky!!
I rushed home to find eight squad cars encircling my home (which is strange, because usually there’s only four), three grumpy crazy-haired youths fuming in the back seat of said squad cars, and my home newly renovated in early 21st Century “Beat Yo ***” style (So called, because when you see your house decorated in this manner you want to beat someone’s asterisks).
It was a random break-in foiled by my crafty next door neighbor Darlene, who alerted the authorities at the sound of breaking glass. I have spent the last eleven months replacing windows and pursuing litigation. So far I have received $17.50 in return (seriously).
In March, my friend and professional therapist, Vicki Curea, came to visit me in Florida. Here I must note that while Vicki is a professional therapist, she is not *my* professional therapist. However she is *my* friend (free of charge incidentally – Score!).
I hosted Vicki on a tour through Miami South Beach and the Florida Keyes, showing her the best of the overseas highway, the Miami Art Deco district, and Sea World (her favorite). Though we had a great time, I could not sublimate my repression impulse to account for the autonomous nature of my unconscious complexes. You’re probably like, “tell me about it!!” In short, it’s too much fun being nuts to give up chasing cars now.
In May, I joined my adventurous gal pal Sonya Sherman in the Cayman Islands. We then flew together to Cayman Brac and Little Cayman on a teeny tiny airplane over a great expanse of water. This said, I can say that I have set foot on all the major Cayman Islands.
I have been diving for 14 years, and Bloody Bay Wall is one of the most amazing places I’ve ever seen. One can enjoy unparalleled clarity and underwater features, unique in the entire world. In short, imagine swimming in crystal clear blue seas about six feet deep, until reaching a precipice that descends 2000 feet to the bottom of the Caribbean Sea. One’s immediate reaction is vertigo (after all you are floating weightless). Then you are awed by the difference of expansive peripheral vision and the vertical organization of sea life here. Wow! Lovely.
Upon returning to the U.S., my work decided to send me to Berlin Germany for six weeks! Visions of expense accounts and luxury European travel danced in my head . . . for about eight hours. Upon arrival in Berlin, I found out that my luggage remained in Washington, D.C., and that I had to find my way to a sparsely decorated apartment in West Berlin.I quickly acclimated, and you can read about my summer in Berlin throughout this blog. There are even pictures of the apartment, which turned out to be nicely located near the main boulevard of West Berlin.

Skipping to July . . . After the Love Parade I visited Tim and Marguerite in Belgium:

Upon arriving in Belgium, I made my way to Oostende, a beachfront resort west of ornate baroque Brugge. Oostende is laid out in a grid pattern between a broad strand of beach and a working marina. It resonates with Belle Age (late 19th century) Victorian parks, tall sailing ships, a boardwalk, small restaurants, as well as the obligatory Northern European cathedrals, cobblestones and electric trams.In a 24 hour period, I visited with my friends’ family, met their two small children, wandered through the town on a guided tour, enjoyed beachside ice cream, beheld an antique car parade and spent the afternoon photographing kite surfing and seaside picnicking from a strand-shed. Dinner was at Niko’s Greek Restaurant. And then, in a flash I was gone, racing back to Germany, and my work in Mulheim.

My subsequent visits to Karlovy Vary, Czesky Krumlov, and Prague are documented in detail throughout this blog.

Due to the constraints of my work-related airline ticket, I was required to return home from an airport in Germany. The nearest German nternational airport to Prague is Dresden. As one of my screenplays is set in Dresden, I decided this was my chance to see it! I was off to wander streets, where I'd previously set characters and scenarios.

Dresden did not disappoint. Despite being entirely recreated from rubble in the last 70 years, the city still resonates with charming Saxon architecture, Elbe riverbanks and famously wide avenues. I took time out to review pre-war historical film footage, demonstrating what Dresden was before obliteration: beautiful, cultured, wealthy, central and celebrated. And then gone forever.

The new Frauenkirche church is a soft yellow limestone wedding cake, especially inside. The Zwinger galleries and gardens, though not pristine, are still lovely to pass through. Famous mosaics, squares, cathedrals and palaces fringed a broad colonade embankment at a bend in the river. 1000 years of history vibrated from the gaslights in the cool summer night.

Early the next morning, Mom and I discovered that a Lufthansa air strike had stranded us in Dresden. If we were going to catch our United flight back to the states, we were going to have to Beeline to Frankfurt by train . . . with two large suitcases with the wheels popping off. Wondertwin powers activated, we beamed across German for a sweet flight home to our own little beds!

Shortly after returning home, my boss asked me to research activities in Hamilton, Ontario. As a result I was obliged to fly to Buffalo, New York, and drive across Niagara Falls to Ontario. The good news is that they have built a bridge, and one no longer has to try to drive across the falls. This adventure is also blogged separately.

With the completion of my work in Ontario, I joined my family at Raquet Lake, New York, in the Adirondack National Park. Big thanks go out to my Uncle Bob and Aunt Dorothy, for allowing me to join their family's vacation. My father also brought his newly completed "Pelican" sailboat, and we christened the boat with much fanfare and ceremony. The following day, we commuted to Pearl Cottage in Lake George, and spent several days swimming and canoeing in the sun.
In October, I visited Joy and Dave in New Hampshire . . . got some excercise and photographed autumn color (blogged separately).
October 22, 2008 was the last day that I and my mutated meta-tarsal shared competing space in my left foot. I went toe to toe in this battle for polydactyl dominance, and I'm proud to report that my little piggy went wee wee wee all the way to the chrematorium (largely because I have health insurance, credit cards, and pre-hensile thumbs. My mutated meta-tarsal on the other hand had a boney horn which wasn't good for much except poking through the top of my foot). Piggy struck first, attempting to rupture my skin after a summer of pedestrian traffic in European capitals. I retaliated with a visit to my Podiatrist and eventually a piggy-ectomy. It sounds as much fun as it was. Here's a recap:
Basically, you wait through several visits for a podiatrist to get good and ready . . . then you show up to an outpatient surgery center. They put you in a shower cap, drug your #@^ up, and then go at you with a power saw. Piggy never had a chance. I should have armed him. How'd you like to see the face of that podiatrist, saw in hand, when a horny tarsal gets the draw on him with a teeny tiny howitzer!
My boss gave me two days off work . . . and then I was back at the grindstone . . .
Before I knew it, it was December and my book was being delivered by the printer to my publishing empire. Picture: The Debut of East of Pouring at Urban Think! bookstore in Downtown Orlando:




And as the year closed, I enjoyed a relaxing Christmas holiday with my blind cousin Jenny from Staten Island and her autistic son, Justin. I kid about the relaxing . . . as someone who lives alone and can do whatever I want whenever I want . . . subordinating myself to an autistic child was a shock to the system. Kudos go out to Jenny for being a mom 24-7-365 and doing a great job! And kudos go out to Justin for revealing his intelligence and normalcy, through the veneer of autism. I connected, and I now know I can handle kids. The confidence that came from coping, was my gift. Thanksgiving for all the things I take for granted was another gift. So many gifts were delivered to me through the fountain of coping . . . throughout the year. Merry Christmas, and Happy Drew Year ma peeps!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

On the Occassion of Sisyphus' First Book


Sunday, December 7, 2008, the premiere of my first book at the Urban Think! bookstore in downtown Orlando. 27 years of writing, and three years effort to arrive at this day. There's so much to say about why I had to publish, and why I fought to overcome every obstacle that presented itself:

On the Occassion of Sisyphus' First Book

I have studied every facet
of the boulder I have been pushing
as it rolled by underneath my straining brow
as it was fogged by my striving breath
as it spun below scrutinizing eyes
like the topographic map of my life:

This chink, the place where I lost control of the stone.
This polished surface was ground down by a gravel slope.
This side is where I learned to hold the boulder steadily,

When the effort defined my identity.


I became this boulder on this mountain.
I married the futility and became the task.

And over and over and over and over and over, again
the question was asked
how long can this last?

Eventually, I fell asleep pushing,

unconscious struggled under stone ,
dreams burgeoned shaking bones.

There are a thousand reasons every day
to not tell the truth,
what you feel, not to say
to chop down a cherry tree and
frame that little punk Washington . . .
to hide your wounds and words away.

In the end,
two endings:
to fail, surrender my effort, abandon my stone.
Or to understand what the pushing means, and push on.

The pushing has made me strong.
The hurt assures I know.
Having to tell you, has pruned my shame.
Writing it down means I grow.
The use of my youth, is now that
I loved you all with my truth.

Finally, I am not the boulder. I am the bolder.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Help Me I think I'm Fallin'




If a picture is worth a thousand words, then catch a load of these words:




The weekend before my foot surgery, I flew to Nashua, New Hampshire to visit my friends Joy and Dave. I communed with mother nature just following the peak of autumn color.

Best recommendation is to visit The Cheese Shoppe in Concord, Massachusettes. It is Mecca for all things tastey, cheesey, and winey (like me - a Winey Weinbrenner). Hope the pictures inspire. This must suffice for now.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and family, Drew.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Why Niagara Rhymes with Viagara

Work ordered me to Hamilton, Ontario. Hamilton is a small city in the North America rust belt half way between Buffalo, New York and Toronto, Ontario. It has a lovely setting on a ridge overlooking Lake Ontario, but let's face it - a hundred years of industrial development followed by 20 years of recession can spoil even the loveliest of places. Despite the smokestacks and weedy sidewalks, lower Ontario is lovely. The vineyards East of Hamilton lead up the ridge to tidy white barns and silos set on broad green pastures. If someone discovers what to do with cracked sidewalks and telephone poles, Hamilton will be rich beyond their dreams. Until then, it needs a coat of paint and an economic renaissance.

On the way from Buffalo (who has a lovely little airport), I drove by Niagara falls. Beautiful. Powerful. Moving. Whomever declared the Canadian side prettier than the American side, has not been to the American side recently. Prospect Point, Goat Island and Luna Island all provide breathtaking views of the falls just as the Niagara river pours over the brink. The Canadian side seems far more developed with towers, hotels, and urban structures. In any event, the falls are lovely and worth a visit if you're in the region. Pictures soon.