Cherished Friends and Family,
I have heard your despondent cries from the desert of my correspondence . . . your gnashing of teeth . . . the flickering torchlight at the breach of
my drawbridge. Behold! I give you the 2009 and 2010 year in review.Be warned . . . what appears to be another innocent Christmas brag sheet may impart fretful tales of isolation and disaster upon eyes that were prepared only for yuletide tedium of how Brittany and Dakota received good marks and will be summering at Camp Punky Brewster. Nay! You will receive nothing of this sort from me. My epistle is the electric pig poker of Christmas narrations in a quagmire of bland and listless holiday tripe. It has a body count and Excel spreadsheets! Brace yourself as I recount my tale of daring Drew!
Why no Christmas letter in 2009? Overwhelmed by events, I realized that my best material was already posted on my blog: http://drewskidoo.blogspot.com/ Why should I kill myself to reproduce all the knee-slapping joy I provide year round? I turned my focus to the teetering apocalypse of my publishing empire and quickly realized I’d made a huge mistake: Most poetry contests and reviewers use copyright date to distinguish contest year eligibility. By publishing in December 2008, I was requiring myself, without knowing it, to enter every possible poetry competition in the 31 days of December.
To add insult to self-injury, I instead focused on hosting my cousin Jenny and her son Justin for Christmas. By January 1, 2009 I was disqualified from most contests. Doh! If I’d only put 2009 on the book, I would have had a full year to enter the book into competitions. There was nothing to be done, as it was impossible to reprint the book.
I consoled myself with a rollicking urban adventure with Karen and Susan Miles in snowy Chicago. We laughed for days, and ate like kings (Chicago without a doubt has the best food in the United States). Special guest stars included cousin Robyn Williams and Hyperion colleagues Emily and Will. Weeks later, I sprang to Minneapolis to visit friends Lois Ottmar, and the Baker family. Though a drive-by Drew-ting, a good time was had by all.
In May 2009, friend Jacqui Cintron took me to Peru in another flagrant attempt to kill me. Though I regularly demonstrate she’s not in my will, she persists (She must be doing it for the sport). The complete deposition is on the blog, and is hilarious, if I do say so myself. Best memories include projectile vomiting on UNESCO world heritage sites, wheezing my way up the Inca Trail, dodging an Indian riot / train blockade, and surviving a demolition derby ride in the Amazon rain forest at night. In short, the Lojack in my underwear totally paid for itself in the end.
Pilgrimages to my hometown of Ormond Beach, Florida proved time there stood still. Nothing in Alfie’s beachside café had changed since 1983 (especially the ground beef)! My friends and I sat in the mauve booth by the door, listening to Journey Musak and reminiscing about high school. I realized I’d stopped “Belivin’.” The graduating class of 1984 had their 25th reunion in August 2009 . . . lemon juice in the paper cut of growing old. I guess it beats the alternative . . . yes, working at Alfie’s.
Finally! . . . in September 2009, the Florida Publishers Association awarded EAST OF POURING the gold medal for poetry during the FPA 2009 President’s Book Awards. A speckle of recognition and positive reinforcement! I milked that sucker like Elsie the cow!
I attended the beautiful October wedding of friends Charlotte and Dwayne McDuffie, and passed that autumn weekend with Joy and Dave Borresen in Nashua, New Hampshire.
I spent Thanksgiving in North Carolina with Dad, and wrote the Thanksgiving poem read by my family before the meal. I noted how far I’d come: from prodigal son studying art at my own peril to someone whose words were welcomed at my father’s table.
Then wham-bam 2009 was over. That was it. That is what you missed last year, and what you have finally ripped from my bosom you clinging voyeurs! Are you Happy?! I thought as much. I supposed you want a complete report on 2010 now . . . will you never be satisfied? . . .
In January, 2010 I attended the Key West Literary Seminar and Workshop. The Seminar was a cavalcade of America’s most famous poets, followed by workshops with several of them. The fellowship between poets from every walk of life and geographical region was intense.
Newly inspired, in April I went ballistic for National Poetry Month in downtown Orlando. I convinced famed poet Carol Frost to grant permission to display a poem on the side of the Orange County Public Library, and even got my ode to city zoning bureaucrats stenciled on all the streetlights so that low flying airplanes could read my magnum opus!
I conducted a Poetry Garden at Leu Botanical Gardens and arranged for International Academy of Design and Technology students to interpret my poetry as art installations in vacant downtown shop windows. It was a huge success (costing me thousands of dollars), but by the power of castle greyskull, I had finally gotten something accomplished.
After that, I had the summer from hell: June 9th a pipe burst in my house and flooded the master bath and bedroom. I spent two weeks in a sleep deprivation exercise (with Servpro machines blowing the smithereens out of the walls and floors). The day after they packed that crap up, at the other end of the house another pipe burst and flooded the guest rooms and garage! Naturally, you have to wash both ends of the house!
Simultaneously, my phone was broken . . . so every time I tried to call anyone (plumber, water reclamation, etc) I had to align the phone with the third house of Venus rising and stand on one foot (typically in a pool of rapidly rising water!).
To make things EASIER on me, my mother proceeded with knee-replacement surgery . . . obligating me to drive to her house and feed and walk her dog twice a day! Another session of sleep deprivation; second verse same as the first. But wait, there's more!
To avoid further floods, I re-piped the house, knocking holes in 39 walls and fishing modern hose to all fixtures. $4000 dollars later, I had a Swiss house (full of holes) and no vacation money. The summer has ended with dry-wall repairs, a new water heater, $3600 in car repairs, and my father having emergency quintuple by-pass heart surgery.
Luckily for my father, my experience re-plumbing my house completely prepared me to advise his cardiac surgeon . . . and goes a long way to explaining why he has a vessel sink permanently installed on his superior mesenteric artery. As you can imagine, quintuple by-pass patients think they are the center of the universe. Give me *my* medicine. Take me to *my* doctor. I think *I’m* having a heart attack. Help *me-me-me.* Blah, blah, blah. I mean really. Scoot over on that gurney and make room, my feet are killing me! And buzz me up some hotcakes from room service while your at it, and I’ll show you what a massive coronary really looks like you bunch of fakers.
To make things EVEN EASIER on myself, I refinanced the house, installed new wood flooring and had the interior repainted (of my house, not my father). During the course of these events the painter did a full body slam on the glass coffee table (without injury to himself suspiciously) and my mother broke and entered my house (literally broke the storm door) to exact her washer and dryer replacement ring (though she had a key to the back door).
The house, now decorated for Christmas, feels new (mostly in the wallet). If I can just get the bathroom lights up and the garage window repaired . . . I might swing a little holiday spirit in 2010.
And to make things ESPECIALLY SUPER EASY and y'know, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY EASY on myself: Simultaneous to all of this home reclamation crap - I forced Orange County Florida to pass a human rights ordinance that included sexual orientation and gender identity against the Mayor's will. Wow, You say. Seriously! Say it! WOW!
All I did was spam the county until the cows came home. The real credit goes to my peeps in OADO (Orlando Anti-discrimination Ordinance Committee) who make magic happen just by being the great and wonderful people that they are. If you want to meet some rocking good people . . . come join our organization! I love you OADO! I tOADOlly dOADO!
I hope this season finds you and yours happy, healthy, wealthy and wise. I’ve made it through a very difficult year. Let’s prepare for the blessings and good luck of 2011. All my love and warmest wishes!
