I'm having a bad day . . . all week.

I'm having a very bad day . . . all week.

On Tuesday, I thought I was coming down with something. I started coughing while at work. Once at work though, you're in. My company's attitude is, if you could drag your self in in the first place, you are probably not sick. So in short, employees become sick during their own time. At work, your germs should be doing something constructive . . . or my team lead will find something for them to do.

But after a bit of hacking in contiguous cubeland (or is it contagious cubeland) . . . my co-workers, on the brink of their summer vacations, kindly suggested I take my collapsing respiratory system out to the parking lot. I headed home . . . thinking to myself . . . well this will be nice: Finally, an afternoon to catch up on all the things I'm running behind on!

As I commuted home unicorns ate puffy cloud pudding and whinnied 'til they wet themselves. Silly rabbit, they said!

Within seconds of reaching my sanctuary, the respiratory virus hit will full karmic velocity. Not only will I *not* be doing anything productive this afternoon . . . but I will spend most of the next four days trying to cough my back out my left nostril.

Where I could have picked this illness up? I had just returned from South America, via Miami Airport. I was in the Amazon rain forest and climbing at altitude in the Andes. Hmmm. I work with people from all over the world . . . but no, neither environment seemed connected to the cough. Then I remembered: Disney World. I had been there the first weekend in June, and was very likely exposed to disease carrying midgets from planet "Petry Dish Memorial Elementary School." There it was. I had the D1SN1Y virus!

Hey Imagineers, I have a new idea for a ride at Disney world called "Bleach Mountain" (sponsored by Dupont). It's a roller coaster where Disney characters in Hazmat suits hose you down with sterilizing agents before you leave. They even give you a souvenir goofy surgical mask!

But wait there's more . . .

After two days, work was convinced that I was faking it, so they scheduled a meeting for Friday morning, and over the phone let me know they expected me to be there. Ever Pollyanna, I assured them that I am *never* sick for very long, and fully expected to be better by Friday.

Friday morning, still sick, I dragged myself into the office. I was informed that the morning meeting would be a conference call held in a teeny tiny utility closet near my department of open cubes. In I went, channeling Brenda Vaccarro during her chain smoking days, and sealed the door behind me. In the utility room were my boss and team lead, cowering behind cupped hands. I thought to myself: this is what justice feels like.

After four hours at work, I went home half day . . . for the second time that week. But it was Friday, and now I'd have the weekend to rest, relax and recover. It would be good to return to work Monday restored . . .

But wait there's more . . .

Friday afternoon, water began draining out of my air conditioner. It was very very hot and humid, and the A/C was pulling buckets of condensate out of the air every hour or so. The draining water would fill a catch basin, trigger a water sensor, and automatically turn off the air conditioning. So sick and covered in flop-sweat, I'd have to crawl out of bed, waddle across the house, empty the bucket, and return to bed . . . every 45 minutes or so . . . through the night.

Saturday morning I called the A/C repairman. I was told he could not see me until after noon. I decided I wanted A/C over the weekend, more than I wanted to go to the doctor. So I canceled my doctor visit and waited for the repair man.

He arrived and told me, for $113, that it was a simply drain clog. He blew high pressure air down the hose, handed me the bill, and was on his way (Let it go. It's not that funny). Ah. Air conditioning. The catch basin continued to fill with water, but I did not have to dump it as often. Things must be improving, right?

But wait there's more . . .

Returning from lunch with my mother and sister on Sunday, I entered my house to find the center of it flooded with water. The kitchen, laundry room, Hall and A/C unit were all standing in an inch of water. The dry wall and cabinets had soaked up the water and wrinkled. They looked like I felt: old - sick - and bitter.

Before you could say "Poor Slob" I was on all fours with a wet vac, sucking the life out of my floorboards. (Let it go. It's not that funny). I turned off the A/C and called the repair company. Now, it's a Sunday afternoon at 3:30. I also have no voice. So wheezing, I call and say "My house is being flooded by the air conditioner!" The first operator, Charlie, hung up on me.

I called back, now furious - - but unable to shout at him. I got operator number two . . . who would be willing to try to leave a message for somebody.

The story is more excrutiating, but I'll cut to the end. At 9:45pm a repair man finally shows up. He actually blows out my hose, instead of just saying that he will (yes, I hear you snickering).

But wait there's more . . .

This morning, before I can leave for work, I push the washer and dryer, and the oven back against the wall. I put down the carpets and arrange the wet shoes to dry. I empty the wet vac and put the towels in the washer. I'm standing in the kitchen, dressed for work . . . . tired from the drama of the weekend . . . but literally thinking to myself "There. That's better."

AT THAT VERY MOMENT, a bottle of Champagne (really Spanish Cava) that had been on the kitchen counter explodes. The cork shoots across the kitchen knocking over the dish rack, and profuse bubbles of champagne shower the kitchen I'd just cleaned the night before.

That is when I lost it. I LOOOOOOOOSSSST IT. Though I have absolutely no voice, I said the "F-word" 8 bajillion times, cursed, broke a commandment, and a small cow came out of me. I named the cow Frederico, and then flogged his little brains out with a champagne saturated dish towell. Then a roll of paper towells. I stripped off my work clothes, and again on all fours (yes, doggy style dam mit), I cleaned the freaking kitchen again!

I'm hoping there is no more. I can't take it. I am full up.

Drew, Guru of Peru!

Complete Travelogue for Peru - May 2009:

Sunday May 24th, 2009

Even though weve been here two days (and cant find the apostrophe on this latin keyboard) Jacqui (special guest star) and I wanted to tell you all that we are alive and well in Peru.
Events that we have survived in no particular order include:
- Hurricane in Miami threatened to send Jacqui alone into a sleep deprivation exercise. Fortunately we found each other and migrated to Peru a mere three hours late.
- Drew promptly was possessed by the demon Soroche (altitude sickness). He spent much of Sunday afternoon projectile vomitting narcotic tea at old women and their llamas. (To clarify, the old women pose all over Cuzco in traditional costume with Llamas and children, extorting Americans to pay for pictures with their little darlings. This we did, and Im grateful to say there is no photographic evidence of what went on before or after the pictures.
- About one thirty in the afternoon we were picked up for our city tour. Somehow it became a good idea to take Drew and Jacqui another 2000 feet higher in elevation to -get this- sachsayhuaman : pronounced Sexy-woman.
- While Jacqui waxed nostalgic on finding her homeland, high on cocoa tea, at altitude with a fine chardonnay on hand . . . Drew fertilized the ruins as part of a new weight loss program . . . (while a strange woman with a broken arm and a strange expression told me in english that it could be cholera or a heart attack. She confessed she was studying medecine and she had just learned about which drugs are best for these symptoms. We politely assured her that I was just possessed.)
- At the end of the tour we had to explore the dark alleys of Cuzco carrying wads of cash for the end-of-the-week tour operator. When we finally found the brown door (we we have only learned three days later how to say brown, "maroon") it turned out that they could not take Jacquis credit card . . . so we had to go to an ATM and take out additional mass quantities of cash. It all worked out in the end, and Jacqui should get paroled any day now.
- We rushed to dinner at a folklorico dinner show off the Plaza Armas, with Drew having not eaten or drank for about 24 hours. (Why arm the demon after all.) Half way through his tepid dinner, the virgin mary floated by our second story window (no joke - in an Ascencion Day procession) and then the restaurant was taken over by car jackers . . . who turned out to be folkloric dancers engaged in the dance of the white goose. Apparently the white geese in Peru wear ski masks with moustache tatoos. Its a long story (pesky apostrophe!).
- We have just been notified that there may be a railroad strike on the day we are to leave Macchu Picchu. We may therefore have to stay an extra day here, and miss the sacred valley . . . which annoys us. The strike has little to do with working conditions on the railroad .. . and more to do with the government siezure of water rights for the surrounding mountains -- effectively shutting down indiginous agricultural traditions. Very sympathetic plight . . . but inconvenient for us.

Monday May 25th, 2009
We have successfully explored Macchu Picchu today. Thankfully it is 1000 feet lower than Cuzco, greener and more beautiful. It truly qualifies to be a wonder of the world. Jacqui and I are beaming with adventurous spirit.
Tomorrow we will climb the death defying Huanya Picchu at 5am in the morning.
Weather is clear and cool and it should be another day of miraculous vistas.
Jacqui has been messaging Vertigo fears with body language (such as strangling me anytime we skirt a cliff edge.) She's going to have a lot of fun tomorrow on a bamboo ladder on a sheer cliff face.
Our friend Brian is now taking wagers on whether Jacqui will complete the circuit. I guarantee you shell do it. Shes one brave chick!
We have many pictures of the temple grounds: Sporty Jacques house of flowers, Drew falling off a terrace into oblivion and beautiful pictures of us relaxing in the splendor of the Andes.
We'll keep you posted . . . But now we have to go and get six hours sleep before waking up a 4 am for the third, bitter, day in a row.
The resort is beautiful . . . details to follow . . . and yes i have just found the apostrophe!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009
A quick note to tell someone that our plans are changing. Because the strike is certain to hit on Wednesday, we are leaving Macchu Picchu area tonight (so that we will not be stranded in a $700 a night hotel room for multiple days!).
Instead we are taking the 8:57 train to Ollytaytambo, where hopefully our local guide has arranged a driver for us . . . and the return of my suitcase (another hairbrained travel scheme).
We should be, if all goes well at the Casa Andina private collection Urubamba - Sagreda Valle a day early.
Wednesday is shot. The strike includes farmers covering the roads with boulders. So we will be pedestrian exploring the area around our hotel, and perhaps enjoying a spa treatment if such exists.
Weird notes I forgot to tell you about last night:
Last Saturday Tom Dickerhoof and his fiancee were on my flight to Peru. They sat two rows ahead of me and I didnt notice them until we landed. Another coincidence beyond belief. (All who dont know who Tom is - hes my mother´s cousin.) Hes taking a church mission trip to Peru.

We've successfully climbed Huanya Picchu today. It was exhausting and I got dehydrated. We've had to pay about 30 cents every time we want to use the restroom at the park. Everything is for a fee. Even the Macchu Picchu Ticchu (Tissue). Cost is one soles (pronounced soul-less, because it is so, to charge to use the restroom).
I've had a bit of cramping from the dehydration, so I'm glad to be going lower tonight.
Plans to climb Everest are pretty much bagged. If I cant handle 12,000, I can't double that altitude.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Ma Peeps, Family, and greatest fans of Spicey Lee Cintron: Here´s the latest update from South America:
So on the Huanya Picchu Trek of Tuesday morning, I´m happy to report that Jacqui completed the complete circuit in record time, in great form.
It is I, Everest-esteeming climber, who was sucking wind like the mighty vacuum of space.
I´m sure Jacqui felt like she took a morning hike with Darth Vadar.
She did tend to scream and panic at the sight of sheer plummits (sp) off the top of the peak, or down rickety bamboo ladders. But for the most part I bribed her with Chardonnay and she clung to me like a rabid Koala bear. (Or starved Cougar - pick your metaphor).
I ended up very dehydrated and light-headed from the trek. And so we returned to the hotel to get water, naps and a spa.
Before we could enjoy such luxuries, we were informed that the train strike had become a general strike and we´d be in Aguas Caliente (hot water-metaphorically and literallty) for an undetermined amount of time (which would not have bothered us if we weren´t paying $700 a night for a hotel room).
About that room. I entered the bathroom on Tuesday Morning, to find it occupied by a large hairy animal. He asked me if I minded, and I apologetically closed the door. Jacqui asked me who the heck I was talking to and then I realized that there was a gigantic spider using our restroom. I quickly made Jacqui look at said spider, to much screaming in fluent spanish, AY TARANTULA!! This annoyed the spider, who pulled the door closed and locked it. Needless to say we were forced to pay Una Souless (soles) to use the toilet on the mountain.
Anyway back to the story of the general strike: While we were inquiring about what to do, i.e. leave . . . when we saw a tribe of Mestizo Indians walk through our compound to the railroad tracks with spears and swords.
This was not an encouraging sign, and I must admit that Jacqui called this one correctly. "We´ve got to get the hell out of here!" The riot police agreed with her. So we began to hatch a plan to force teenage travel guides and hotel conceirges to rearrange our itinerary and race to the train station.
We got new tickets, and got in line for a 8:57pm train . . . that was delayed by the Indians for four hours . . . and was swamped by every sheltered American Yuppie and backpacking college student for 80 miles. It was a rock concert for train workers and riot police. We call it Picchapolooza.
I´ll spare you the grotesque stories of the prolific beer that flowed through the crowd. (Why not get drunk before a political riot in a small Andean train depot, I ask you?). Long story short. We made the train, and got to Ollantaytambo at 2am on Strike Day, and had a police escort with out teenage guide to our hotel.
Note: The hotel is beautiful, and we´re so glad we´re here.Today, we´ve spent the day touring the ancient Inkan town of Ollantaytambo and its ruins. it is as beautiful as Macchu Picchu, but climatically different. The difference being cloud forest and New Mexican canyonlands. Green and Beige. Still, the town exuded authenticity.
Highlight for both of us, was being invited into a Quechu courtyard and home, and taking pictures of the herd of guinea pigs being raised there. Swine flu, I laugh at you. Cholera. I wonder if you´re trying. I crawl with guinea pigs and pellet poop and laugh at your face!!!!!
Pictures will be simply stunning. I have saved all of you the effort of enduring altitde sickness by photographing every possible angle of the trip.
Now we must go relax for dinner. Know that we are safe, well, happy, and that the strike will be over tomorrow. Our itinerary resumes on schedule and we will be biking over the Andes to the edge of the Amazon rain forest (Manu Reserve). We´re staying at Cock of the Rock Lodge, but Jacqui has forbid me from sharing all my jokes about this.

Saturday Evening May 30, 2009

This is a quick note to let you all know that our flight home has been delayed two hours. Our connections are not severely affected, so we should be home as expected on Sunday. Beth, I hope you check your e-mail!
As for what in tarnation we´ve been up to: Thursday morning we met our guide and driver and headed out across the sacred valley of Peru. It is an indiginous agricultural area rich with history, crops, food, and Quechuan culture. We could have swung a cougar and not hit a single llama, much to our collective disappointment. We don`t know where the llamas, alpacas, verecunas, and assorted camelids are, but their fur lines every retail store between here and the amazon. So we figure there`s herd of naked llamas poolside in the carribean working on their tans.
Anyway, so we go with two strangers to the top of the Andes, and they tell us to get out of the van and mount mountain bikes to ride downhill on a gravel cliff-side road for an undetermined number of hours.
Okay. What they hey. Its vacation stuff, no?
The views were breathtaking. The cultural exposure to people and their land unparalleled. But lets tell it like it is and say that Jacqui had an intimiate encounter with her mountain bike seat for most of the trip. At random intervals the jarring road would loosen the nut on the seat and shoot it upwards into Jacquis tender nether regions. I`m just saying!!!!
We did stop at some homes with looms and buy their artistic weavings . . . and we did befriend poor rural children who were anxious to practice their English on us. It was a lot of fun!
We could not tary though, as were were bound and determined to cross the Andes and descend into the Manu Reserve Rainforest. We were scheduled to eat and stay at the Cock of the Rock Lodge. Snicker snicker snicker.
Driving on a mud road that skirts the cliffside rainforest was hair-raising enough. Encountering oncoming traffic, such as frieght trucks, head on in the dark jungle was equally exciting. Having to listen to five hours of Latin Pop music and greatest hits of the 80s was torture.
I´m not joking- we had to hear AeroSmith´s "Don´t want to Miss a Thang" eight times between Paucartambo and the Lodge! Ahhh.
We were also tortured by not being able to remember who the singer of the 1984 hit, "GLORIA" was -- and we know that Brian would know the answer.We were convinced that our guide and driver had no freaking idea where they were going, and were just going to drive and drive until they figured it out.
Just when we were about to start panicking we came across an Entemologist, Bruce Pursor, in the middle of the Amazon who was shining a light on a big bed sheet - out in the middle of the rain. He was photographing speicial features of moths and butterflies based on Altitude (and encouraged us to google him).
He also knew that the Lodge was an hour ahead. We proceeded, and late in the rainy dark made it to our bungelow in the jungle.
We were awoken before dawn to dress and go to a blind in the jungle, to watch the mating dance of the cock of the rock. This bird is literally black and white and red all over. We saw about twelve men competing for the affections of a mere two ladies. And then there were the birds too. What a tease, let me tell you!
The rest of the morning was filled with monkeys, hummingbirds, breakfast and a jungle hike. It was hot, humid, and clear.
Jacqui was crowned with bamboo as Cutchie Coya (Happy Star Princess) and sent to live with the local tribe, to teach them how to shop on QVC.
This done, we packed and were off the way we came up the rainy hills to the Andes.We stop in Paucartambo, where a lady and her daughter climbed into our van unannounced and basically refused to leave until we took one to Cusco. Jacqui and I were aghast. As I was running Midnight Express through my head, our guide told us to climb back in the van, and we were off with Mamacita (who was also kind of off).
We stopped at the Inkan tombs of Ninnnemarca . . . pictures to follow and then descended via and alternate route that was crazy scarey!

Imagine a pitch black night,
A dirt road under construction,
That lines a cliff,with a 2000 foot drop (not exaggerating),
with oncoming traffic,
including trucks who played chicken with us,
and a driver committed to doing 40 Km an hour to get home,
while they played "I wanna be sedated" on the radio . . .

We needed sedation when we got home. We went out for a wonderful dinner and alcohol and have today shopped away the morning at a craft market.
There is enough crap in this world to fill a million tourist markets, let me tell you. Luckily we didn´t buy much of it . . . but still have a few things to remember our vacation.Now we´re being tortured by American Airlines for the next 12 hours. We cant wait to see you all and give you a hug. It will be good to be home. Don´t try this trip at home kids. Its only for the professionals! We`re them. We´ve lived a month in seven days, and it was a month of rich living and adventure. God Bless Jacqui. Ella esta fantastico, y gracias Dios Yo tengo una amiga hablar espanol!
Notes in Closing, Sunday May 31, 2009

A few things we neglected to mention in our e-mail, that deserve to go down in the record.

We were in Peru for one week. In that time frame there were three parades/political protests in a one week period: Labor Parade through Cuzco on the 24th, Political General Strike by Indiginous people on Wednesday and a religious procession by young people from the state of Cuzco on Saturday. Each had colorfully costumed participants and throngs of baloons and banners. The people of Peru are engaged, and know how to put on a pageant.

On Saturday morning, Jacqui and I rounded a corner and almost ran into Winnie the Pooh . . . with five or six young men dressed in matching gold clothes. They were participating in Virgin Day. Jacqui was hysterical, considering the Disney licensing infraction this represented. She took a picture, and I dubbed the creature "Winnie Peru."

Later in the plaza we were bilked out of Soles by a lady asking us if we wanted to pose with her baby lamb and costumed children. The lamb was named "Pancheeta" which reminded me of the Italian Christmas cake Panacetta. Jacqui, ever a cougar, made Pancheeta jokes, and I suggested that like Winnie Peru, Pancheeta could become a national spokesperson for Cheetohs Cheese Snacks.

One of the best restaurants in the world, much less Peru, is called Cicciolini's. It is located behind the Cathedral in Cuzco. Named after an Italian porn star who became an Italian Congresswoman, the restaurant is nevertheless sophisticated and delicious. They specialize in Tapas made using local Peruvian ingredients. I encourage everyone to find this place and eat to your hearts contents (after getting over soroche).

Our driver to the Cock of the Rock Lodge was called Hieme. This is all I can say on the subject, but feel free to let you mind wander over the possibilities.

I hope our descriptions inspire you to see the remarkable and iconoclastic space that is Southeastern Peru. Truly Amazing in all the world.